Who Am I? What's My Identity?
"If you label me, you negate me" ... is this an absolute truth?
When I was a kid, I was “Gifted.” I was also “Curious.” I was “Bashful.” These labels had the benefit of letting me become a “Teacher’s Pet” as well.
When I hit my teens, I started having seizures and the medication process had me falling asleep in my honors math class, but then bouncing off the walls in the afternoon. To ask the teacher of my post lunch class, I was “unruly” and would regularly visit the principal’s office.
I moved to a new, small town with a tiny school in High School and would get new labels… but I could be multiple things. I was reaching a point where I got to define my labels. I tried out several, for better or worse: ‘skater’, ‘stoner’, ‘ugly’, ‘outdoorsy’, ‘funny’, ‘helpful’ and ‘nerd.’
On into adulthood, we have more subtle and evolving labels, but some of them remained. I started being that guy that could figure anything out, or find anything, I was good at putting pieces together (literally and metaphorically.)
I spent early adult days looking for my soul mate, trying to become a millionaire, chasing skills to get promoted.
By my thirties, I was married, and having our first child. I become a father, and wore the token white New Balance shoes while coaching soccer. I leaned into some of those identities more and more. Work was less important, parenting was my capital “I” identity.
While some of the “who am I” has persisted, there were some periodic labels that have stuck with me up until the present day.
While I haven’t thought about it much lately, I was challenged by
in a co-working session when she asked “who I was” without using the label ‘ADHD.’ At the time, I acknowledged that I’d already struggled with that particular label… it did get my subconscious chewing on what labels I was currently using.The most powerful tool in existence is “the label”
The ability to place an identity on a person is the ability to change their humanity, for better or worse.
“Once you label me, you negate me.” - Sören Kierkegaard
Usually, when I consider labeling, it’s a method of identifying intrusive thoughts. Literally, by labeling these thoughts, it negates them and lets me move on. But labels aren’t just a therapy technique.
Recently we had an election here in the United States, if there is one thing politics does in the US, it’s leverages… no, it weaponizes the label. Whether it’s using the political party name itself, or digging into any of the factions that support it, the label is the most effective way to negate someone’s humanity. My neighbor is a human, until I say they’re “MAGA” and then they’re sub-human.
Labels are used to create “in groups” and “out groups.”
Once someone is identified as the “out group” their opinion is no longer that, its become a whine. A message shared from an “out group” is cause to rally against them. Even if you would normally agree, if the label is applied, the way they’re saying it becomes repulsive.
When you label someone else, you negate them.
When they label you, they negate you.
You have to be careful with labeling. You have to be deliberate when listening to who is saying something, and listen to something beyond their label.
We should all try to re-apply the label “human” to someone before we immediately target them with hate or vitriol.
Self Labels can change your identity
I mentioned before that I was frequently using ADHD to explain what I’m doing. The same can be said for ‘neurodivergent.’
While Donna’s question was valid, it was most effective as a pattern interrupt. I don’t identify myself as ADHD, though I was headed down that path two months ago.
I’ll never say ADHD or Autism or Neurodivergency isn’t real. I will never dismiss someone who does associate with that label. But I want to share MY shift on associating with that identity.
I grew up with a “good ol’ boy” as a father. That’s not a pejorative. My dad was “one of the good ones” but still rife with casual racism, sexism and homophobia. He would never strike out, but I’m the microaggressions would still exist on some level.
I mention my father, because it was my expectation of his thoughts or judgements that made me struggle with ADHD as an identity. (RIP Dad)
So, I was struggling with those labels, feeling like ADHD wasn’t real, or that I should be able to “try harder.” Similarly, remembering my “Gifted” label from my youth was the reminder that I have the potential to do anything. So… I struggled with a simple label.
I tried to lean into “neurodivergent” but so many people are unaware of the word that I was constantly explaining it, trying to simplify it.
The process of simplifying “neurodivergent” brought new perspectives as well, and I finally arrived at… it’s all a spectrum. The aphorism “If you’ve met one person with ADHD, you’ve met one person with ADHD” (also used with Autism) drove this point home even further.
We ALL have our own brain behaviors we work with. There are plenty of people that don’t have ADHD who struggle with things I do. So… I’ve just moved away from that label.
When I stopped using ADHD to define me, I started using words like “creative.”
The more I’ve leaned into the word “chaos” the more I see how we all struggle with labels and our identity. I’m feeling more creative than I have in my life. I’m taking ‘gifted’ back, as it pushes me to explore ideas again, it’s re-awakened an openness to being creative.
“Words are wind”, “Actions speak louder than words”
At the end of the day, labels are just labels. You have the power to change them as you see fit.
I find that I can adjust my labels on a daily basis and have it impact my behavior. This suggests that, while powerful, they’re also mutable.
I’m finding myself trying different labels when I journal, or when I explain things to people. I’m leaning into when a label makes me uncomfortable.
This is a mindfulness exercise. Explain yourself, to your journal, to a chatbot, to a friend and see how it feels. Say it out loud and see if you stumble.
I’m trying out ‘gifted’ so that it makes me try to things that I previously called difficult.
I’m using ‘ADHD’ as I try to understand the executive functions/dysfunctions that I encounter.
I’m going with ‘entrepreneur’ to make myself remember that there is a desire to create an income in what I’m doing.
I’m trying to use labels to help shift my perspective, but also my actions. I want to leverage these labels to negate their antonyms and let me become the best version of myself.
Chaos isn’t a bad label
I’m so excited to have seen consistent attendance for my Chaos Cooperative sessions of co-working. I love that people are finding some connection to Chaos, empowering them to not do things just because everyone else does. I’m thankful to have the small community showing up and helping me shape MY identity while we all work to get shit done.
It’s the week before Christmas. I’ve scheduled 4 co-working sessions this week, 2 in the morning, 2 in the afternoon. They’re part ‘get shit done’ but also part ‘figure shit out’ and I’m inviting everyone to attend. Thats all happening at https://chaoscooperative.com, so this is the extent of me talking about it to the mindfullish crew.
If you haven’t attended, I hope you can find a time that works, even just to check it out.
Namaste
You made my day, Jody, by disowning the ADHD label! You are a brilliant, creative being (go ahead, accept that label), and you care deeply for others.
I enjoyed dropping in on your co-working session, and (you might be surprised) I was happy spending time in the waiting room. I might start having "only me" Zoom sessions to convince my mind to focus on one thing at a time!
Twice Exceptional (2e) - Gifted with some form of Neurodiversity - remains an under-used term and yet I think it represents a larger population than stats shows. You mentioned that to me in a note so I know you are aware of the term. As comorbidity is very common, I can see why you sometimes lean into one aspect of yourself more than others, depending on the circumstances and needs.