The Real Reason Your Goals Feel Out of Reach
We're hardwired to settle, you have to force change if you want it to stick.
New Years is when everyone comes out with big plans and goals.
“Things will be different this time!”
“I’m committed to change!”
It’s a mantra that inspires ads for gym memberships across the globe. For most of us, it’s also simply a hollow promise.
It’s hollow, not because we lack the willpower or motivation. The reality is, maintaining the status quo is wired into our brains.
It’s an unfortunate reality that for some there’s a hardwired mental health concern, but that isn’t the only way that the deck can be stacked against us.
We all crave consistency
Have you ever bought something new, certain that it was going to bring you happiness, then shortly after the acquisition you become bored with it?
How about experiencing a misfortune, such as a break-up, expecting it to ruin you but then realizing, not long after, that it wasn’t the end of the world?
In the early 1970s, an essay by Brickman and Campbell coined the term “Hedonistic Adaptation” as they studied people who had experience great (but sudden) fortune or misfortune. The findings were that people recover fairly quickly from these changes back to a ‘normal’ level of happiness.
We humans like to think that change is as simple (and as fickle) as flipping one variable. Sadly, it isn’t.
Our brains are wired to adapt to repetition and consistent stimuli, so when something comes along that interrupts it, we experience a blip in our emotions briefly before returning to that normal.
The good news is, this adaptation is relative to our perceived circumstances and how we evaluate ourselves against others in our lives.
You can see how your happiness changes, or your behavior shifts, when hanging around a new peer group (such as going to school or a new job.) This is your brain adapting to new criteria.
What does this mean?
If you want to lose weight, align yourself with a peer group with the same goal. Go to meetings, or join challenges or clubs that focus on that pursuit.
If you want to get in shape… If you want to learn French… If you want to make a change in your life, find others who want to make the same or similar changes.
It’s easier to venture into the unknown as a group than to go alone.
Humans create a worldview to support their beliefs
Sometimes the issue isn’t that we’re adapting back to the normal we already know, sometimes we’ve created a set of beliefs that keep us in the same space.
Limiting beliefs and learned helplessness are parts of a mental model we’re all susceptible to, either from our upbringing, from our peers, or from the information we’re presented about the world.
It isn’t uncommon to think you can never be wealthy or successful. Culturally (at least in the West) there are constant reminders that “Money is the Root of all Evil.” Unfortunately, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that people with money do bad things.
Maybe the issue is that you don’t think you’re smart enough, or you think that you don’t want to lead. Perhaps you think college will make you a socialist, or that medication will change your personality.
If you look at your beliefs, you’ll find that you have “excuses” for why you aren’t succeeding at something. You’ve created a limiting belief about who you can become.
You may have to actively seek out the good side of your limiting beliefs.
If you want to be somebody else, change your mind
Beyond the beliefs we form, there is also the mindset you have about change or about the world.
Your mindset will directly affect your hedonistic adaptability, it will also affect your limiting beliefs.
No matter what change you’re trying to make in your life, you have to approach it from the perspective that it IS achievable, that you deserve it, and that you may have to give up your old way of thinking or doing things.
A “new you” doesn’t come cheap, the price is the effort to change.
The tools at your disposal include, but aren’t limited to:
Your subconscious - This guy can do some heavy lifting, you just have to set it up for success. (BTW, the subconscious doesn’t understand negative vs positive, it ignores words like “not,” “won’t,” “isn’t”, “doesn’t”… all the n’t words are forbidden in chats with the subconscious.)
Your perspective - Stop reading or consuming the things that defined the old you, spend time learning about the things that the new you would be doing. (Perspective is based on your education, read more things about what you want, talk to people about those things, journal about the new you, learn about re-framing.)
Your surroundings - The people you talk to, the places you spend your time, they can either inspire you, or leave you trapped. (Put away the toxic content, decorate your space with things that affirm the new you.)
I won’t drop the phrase “growth mindset” but only mention that it’s a broad term that means, a willingness to increase your life. If you like the phrase, use it, but you can just as easily frame it as a “millionaire mindset” or “beach body mindset.”
Be the change…
There is this quote that Gandhi never said, but is still apt.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
While there isn’t any proof that he ever uttered those words, the thought stands strong on two fronts.
By being the person you wish everyone would be, you’re creating a positive role model into the world. If you live as you think people should live, it’s easy for someone to have the courage to step up and behave the same.
On the back side, by living a life that you think improves the world, you’re encourage growth and success in your own life.
Here’s one of my favorite perspective shifting lifehacks:
Stand up and assume the “superhero pose.” (see image at the top of the post)
Chin up, Feet apart, hands on your hips.
Proceed to ooze confidence in this pose for at least 30 seconds.
By standing in this pose, assuming the confidence that comes with being a superhero, it shifts your mood.
I love this exercise because it feels silly, it might even looks silly, but after a few breaths it shifts and you start to feel more heroic. I didn’t make it up, it’s got research behind it… honest!
Did you miss me? I took some end of year down time, my brain shifted around a lot in that time. What kinds of shifting?
I’m moving my newsletter format around a bit, its still longish, its still about me and my experience, but it’s also about helping you. It’s stuff I learn, stuff I figure out and stuff I need to hear. I’ll get back on the Monday schedule now that I’ve dislodged my writers block. Action for you? None needed, keep subscribing, keep reading.
I’m shifting my community format, while I’ll put some writing and some announcement behind Chaos Cooperative, I’m opening the door to an actual community (on its own platform and everything) in February. Details to follow in the coming weeks. Action for you? Nothing today, membership options coming soon.
I’m hanging out a more official placard for coaching! If you’re anywhere on the Neurodivergent spectrum, or just have a chaotic brain and want to get organized, grab some time on my calendar, and we can talk about possible coaching options! Action for you? Book a Discovery Call!
Beyond that, comment with any perspective shifting hacks, or if you’re interested in joining the community when it goes live!
We are wired to be in a tribe. That sense of belonging we feel is our biological tick that we need people in our lives.
I love the super hero exercise at the end! Added off-topic benefit for me: it makes my back feel better. I also imagine myself in that or other poses related to qualities I wish to exude and I feel like it helps.