I Found My 20-Year-Old Journals — The Goal That Still Haunts Me
The uncomfortable truth about change that took me two decades to understand
Thirty years ago, I wrote a lot like I do today… literally.
I recently found a stack of my journals from 25+ years ago, it’s a small stack of Composition Journal style books, all handwritten.
There are some interesting takeaways:
My handwriting hasn’t evolved at all.
My areas of curiosity have matured, and I can see that I stand on beliefs and realizations that were challenged then.
I didn’t know what ADHD was, I didn’t take medications, but I still did things.
“I’ve changed a lot”, and “I’ve barely changed at all” ricochet around my head as I read them.
What’s particularly interesting is the journal, from 20 years ago, that laid out goals. Here are some favorites (with timelines):
Have control of my life - 1 year (Uhhh)
To not be afraid - 1 year (Well…)
Have a loving wife/companion - 5 years (success!)
To use 100% of my potential! - 15 years (???)
To know/understand everything - 30 years (We haven’t hit it yet, there’s still time!)
But this one, it inspires posts on the newsletter…
To have the will/discipline to change right now. - 1 year
Ignore the fact that I gave myself a year to gain something that says “right now” in the goal.
To be clear, I was a 30-year-old man, filled with passion, excitement, optimism and a belief that there was more to life.
Did I hit that last goal?
Change doesn’t happen overnight
Not only does change take time, it happens in unexpected ways, driven by unexpected circumstances.
I talk to people a lot these days, and a huge part of my personality is to help. I like to figure things out, I like to explore ideas, and I like to see people succeed.
Almost everyone I know, has some level of “change” in their goals. You could argue that goals, New Year’s Resolutions, plans, ambitions… everything is just a rephrasing of changing our lives.
What most people fail to realize, they ARE changing by writing the goal.
Some goals are very clear, and some appear to happen overnight.
“I’m giving up drinking” looks like an overnight success, one day you’re drinking too much, the next day you’re not.
But that change was already forming the first time you thought, “I drink too much”. That goal was perpetuated each day when you said, “I’m not going to drink today.”
All change works like that.
You recognize the situation.
You judge the situation.
You struggle now that you recognize the ‘bad’ situation.
You decide to change the situation.
You struggle with how to change it.
You state that you’re changing.
You remain hyper aware of your new situation.
The new situation becomes what feels normal.
Sometimes change takes years.
Change often happens subconsciously.
What we rarely notice, is that change isn’t that you’re fixing a problem as much as you’re becoming a new version of yourself.
That new version talks about recovery, or about their dreams.
Change only happens over time, and through effort.
Industries are built around the illusion of instant change
Overnight success is great marketing.
Systems that promise instant results are the ones that sell.
We humans are desperate for change, but also terrified of the ‘effort’ part of the process. Or when we are willing to do the work, we don’t know where to begin.
I mentioned my journals above, I wrote this at the bottom of the list.
The most important goal for me, I believe, is to give myself the discipline to cause instantaneous change.
With this single achievement, I can easily bring any others to fruition! With this discipline I will be able to give myself goals and to bring them to be by their deadline.
I don’t know if I’m proud of that Jody, or sad for him.
I know that he had a fervor that I miss today. I love that he had such optimism, but I’m sad that it was clear he was struggling with something as well.
If I were a wealthy person at that time, I would have paid large sums to make it happen.
If I were poor at that time, I would have sacrificed other priorities to make it happen.
But what I was at that time was confused. I was under the impression that I could make it happen instantly, alone.
I’m sure I was reading plenty of Tony Robbins and other “self-help gurus” and I know I was spending money on all of their books… many of them still line my bookshelf.
But here we are, 18 years later, and some part of that change myth still remains.
The people selling you change, are selling you THEIR change. They’re promising results based on THEIR experience. Most importantly, they’re selling a promise with the illusion that it’s easy, that it’s formulaic, and that one size fits all.
The people selling you a promise of “simple change through consistent behavior” are disingenuous if they’re not also recognizing that we’re all different and that there’s more work than their plan suggests.
Change is individual. Transformation is personal. Timelines are relative.
It all starts with awareness
Before you can fix the problem, you have to know the problem.
Before you can start changing, you have to understand what you need to change.
Once you understand what you need to change, you have to want that change.
If you know something isn’t working, the first step to take is to break down what that thing is into its parts.
When you can see the components of the thing that you wish to change, you can see how you interact with them, how they affect your thoughts and feelings, or the reverse of that.
We often ‘stay the same’ because our current version of normal is easy, or it’s become comforting. We have accepted the discomfort that is part of our normal life. We’ve become blind to the things that cause the discomfort. Most alarmingly, we have built it into our belief system.
You have to be willing to make yourself hurt, emotionally.
You need to be open to the idea that you have to give something up.
A willingness to make deliberate effort to get that result is harder than it sounds.
So, start with journaling. Spend time describing what you WANT versus what you HAVE.
Learn to challenge your acceptance of your current life versus the desire of your changed life.
Then use that knowledge to open yourself up to change.
When the pupil is ready, the teacher will arrive
The first hard fact, nobody is going to do the work for you.
There isn’t a literal teacher (most likely) who will come in and do it all step by step.
Once you’ve reached a breaking point, your old life starts to fall apart, and the option to “become your true self” emerges.
You might not have a literal teacher show up, you might just notice the wisdom in the world around you.
The teacher who helps you change will actually be you.
You’re the one who will see the next step.
You’re the one who will struggle with loss.
You’re the one who will celebrate gains.
You’re the one with the most skin in the game.
Ideally, you’ll have a supporting cast that helps you at each of those stages.
Many people, myself included, fail to see the next step, or recognize we’re struggling, or realize there’s cause for celebration.
We’re blinded by our lives because we’ve been living the narrative that supported our old self. It’s why having friends and a community is so vital.
In the past year, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had someone in my life point out the change that I didn’t notice. Usually when I’m struggling, these people are able to point out the reason to celebrate.
Regardless of the change we’re looking for, outside help is going to be vital.
The more transformational the change, the more likely we’ll need someone there cheering us on, reminding us of our path, supporting us through our struggles and reminding us that it won’t happen overnight.
We all end up with a “Frankenteacher” that’s made up of the different parts of support we each need.
My commentary on the “overnight change” goal continues…
I will have the strength to wait and allow goals that take time to move at their own pace. I won’t be trying to change, or just give up, when I have to wait.
When I’m allowing my state to be changed by outside forces I’ll be able to stop and get into the best state for the situation.
Even in my desire for overnight change, I could still see that not everything happens all at once. I recognized that I would be prone to let circumstances derail me, so hoped for the goal to nip that in the bud.
Much of my ‘overnight change’ goal was naive, but I don’t think I was any different from anyone else.
The world has gotten larger, faster and louder in the past 20 years.
In the past 20 years, tools have come online to enable others to “change our state” and bad actors have appeared who want to keep us from becoming the best version of ourselves.
With increased volume, it’s harder than ever to stay true to ourselves.
With increased pace, we’ve become more addicted to the idea that change can happen overnight.
Sadly, with the changing economic factors, it feels hard to take the time for the change to happen.
On a positive note, with the larger world, it’s easier to find the teacher that works for us.
With the increased volume, it’s possible for leaders and teachers to step up and share their message.
We’re living in an unprecedented time when we can build their own platform to speak, or find a community of our people to learn with.
There is more information, a broader perspective and a wealth of empowerment tools that make it possible to find our true self and bring them into being.
We just have be ready to guide our own change.
I’m writing regularly on mindfullish with my thoughts about the world, how we can change within it and how we can active shape it.
I write through the lens of a man who is AuDHD that thinks about everything (too much) and tries to be mindful in how we exist.
I’m building a community for neurodivergent people at Chaos Cooperative.
I’m using AI to write about using AI to help people with ADHD at ADHD Success with AI.
I’m building a business of coaching and mentoring at jodygates.com
I’m eager to meet and talk to people, especially those working through their neurodivergent brains. I’d love to talk to you!
If you’d like to get these posts when I share them, please…
I wonder what that 30 year old Jody would say to the Jody that wrote this article. I’d like to think he’d be amazed at the changes you’ve made, your consistent progress, and the things you’ve accomplished. How he’d show up to your community every week looking for your support as he figures himself out.